Forgiveness Is Divine November 2006

by Eileen Norton

“Forgiving is a tough act – especially when you are called upon to forgive yourself. Self-forgiveness is possible, however. And by getting this straight you can get a lot of things straight.”

Two monks are about to cross a large river with no bridge. A pregnant woman approaches the elder monk and asks him to carry her to the other side. The monk obliges and afterwards the two men silently continue their journey.

Late that night, as they end their journey, the younger monk finally speaks. “I can’t believe you carried that woman!” he says with his voice full of anger. “You know that our vows forbid us from touching a woman and yet you carried that female today on your back.”

“Yes,” replies the older monk in a gentle voice, “I did carry her for a very short time today. And then I set her down on the other side of the river. It seems that you have continued to carry her all day long.”

Harsh judgments become heavy burdens that we carry around with us and that weigh down our spirit. Especially the harsh judgments we make about ourselves pull us down and rob us of strength in our lives.

Self-judgments come about because we are taught to feel guilty when we cause harm, whether or not our action was intentional. The worse our perceived transgressions are the more guilt is required to offset our actions. A small harm will be balanced by a minor amount of self-generated guilt; a larger infraction by an equivalently greater amount.

The harm occurs as we judge ourselves to be wrong or bad for what we’ve done because self-judgment inflicts pain and psychic damage, which then, of course, generates another round of guilt. It’s a vicious cycle that, left unchecked, can lead to depression and self-loathing.

So the dysfunctional process has two parts: first we hurt another person and then hurt ourselves for doing so. The two wrongs generate an even greater wrong.

It is appropriate, of course, to feel badly about harming another person, whether intentionally or unintentionally. We get into trouble, however, by continuing to carry around with us a load of guilt about our actions. We must set down that load and learn to forgive ourselves.

Forgiving ourselves doesn’t mean that we pretend the thing didn’t happen. But we need to stop judging ourselves. We need to break the cycle of self-imposed hurt that never makes anything better but serves only to extinguish the lights of happiness and wholeness that ought always to be shining in our spirits.

How can we forgive ourselves? There are three steps:

1. Begin by recognizing that we are divine beings having a human experience. Acknowledging the divine in ourselves means that we are more than just our physical parts and social behaviors.
2. Continue by thinking about someone or something that you love with all your heart. Place a hand over your heart and bask for a few moments in the sunlight of that love.
3. Next, think of the negative image you’ve been carrying about yourself and complete the sentence, “I forgive myself for judging myself as though I were….”

Complete the thought with whatever negative self-image you have. “stupid,” “evil,” “malicious,” whatever….

You’re not forgiving yourself for being what you are or even for doing whatever it is that you did. You’re forgiving yourself for the judgment you made that you were a bad person. Repeat over and over the sentence in the third step until you feel an emotional shift has taken place. Keep that love going by reconnecting your thinking to your beloved person or thing.

Once the emotional shift has occurred in your spirit, simply finish up with the sentence, “I forgive myself for forgetting that I am divine.”

Then learn whatever lesson you need from the experience and take practical steps to keep the experience from recurring.

These three steps will help you to set aside the debilitating remorse that might otherwise gnaw at your heart. You will be like the monk. You will simply set the woman down on the other side of the bank and continue on with your journey.

A good thing about this is that if you discover later that the woman is back on your shoulders, just do the three steps again. The technique doesn’t cost anything; you can do it as many times as required for you to get rid of that burden for good.

Another great thing about the forgiveness technique is that you can use it to forgive your judgments on somebody else. Run through the three steps inserting the other person’s name and your judgment upon them. End with “I forgive myself for judging (insert name) as (insert offense).”

Remember that forgiven people forgive people. An unforgiving attitude towards others is just as debilitating as it is against yourself. Since you and the offending person are both divine, you owe this to both of you. °

Eileen Norton
925-354-7526
eileen@110mag.com